This is a photograph of my daughter Alexandra, we call her Alex or Bally, she is 19 and soon to be 20 Dec. 31st (a new years eve baby). I am so proud of her, but I sometimes worry that she stresses to much over other people to try and help them. She is going to College full time and working part time. Her goals are to become a realtor and also write children's books. She has her own place, all by her self, except me and my youngest daughter Michellie are temporarily staying with her until I find a place of my own.

Chicken Run...

Tangled in masses of confusion
Rememebering that life was never for fun
its all an illusion
we never really have a conclusion
its a delsuion
we end up contusioned
it feels like a foregone conclusion
and seems like an optical illusion
but all we really need is God's way of life's transfusion
we all allow rediffusion
by the time you finish reading this,
you'll have a lot of confusion
rhyme or reason
even through all of the seasons
just when you think your day has won
life throws you another fast one
you can mock the sun
scream and holler your life is done
then you think you just had a rerun
so you get a call from your loved one
then to them your number one
so maybe it was all worth it in the long run...
silly me, its just one of those chicken runs

So Faraway ~ Deciated to my Baby~

My Daughter Jill

I am posting a blog about my amazing daughter Jill, she is my oldest and this post is to let her know how proud I am of her. She has reached so many goals in her live, and overcome disasters, addictions, and hard turns in her life, she is only 25 yrs old.

I am no longer with her, although she remains in my heart forever, she is 10 states away making a living and doing fansatic. She is struggling alittle but surviving. I wish she knew how much she is loved by me. I think of her daily and pray that things work out the way she would like them to be. I just wish I could do more for her to help her succeed. I wanted to give her so much and yet I am not in the position to do that, in the poistion I am in. I love you Jilly and miss you soooo much !!!

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

My Lifestyle in a Pill Bottle

Pills run my life, every 4 hours, if I don't take my medications I am in pain to the extreme. Sunday morning around 12 am I started with a migraine headache triggered by spasms in my neck. By 8am I called my Mom to take me to the emergency room because I could stop dry heaving, because my neck and head hurt so bad. My Mom was going 50mph in a 35mph zone, causing me to puke even more. they took me to the back room where it was dark but my head and nausea continued. They finally started an IV and gave me darocet and fenanol and it took some of the edge off, so they sent me home (My Boyfriends house).

I told my Boyfriend (Ted) that I needed to go back to the hospital because I could feel the head, spasms and nausea coming back, so he drove me there and this time they gave me injections. One was tordal and they other was vistual, it took all the symptom's away and I felt so much better. I had spent from 8am until 6pm in the hospital emergency room. I get headaches often now due to the spasms in my neck and shoulders, sometimes I wonder if anyone believes me...;(

Money...Is it the air we breathe?

I have been on the Internet, trying my best on getting traffic flow through my 6 blogs through Google and 1 with MySpace, 1 with yahoo 360 and other sites just trying to get noticed. Its been crazy on how hard I have worked to get any cash flow, and today so far I have made a big 9 cents, and yet yesterday I made 66 cents. I have made as much as 3 dollars in one day struggling through that to make it happen. Laugh if you must, but am I the only lame one out there that doesn't make shit for dollars? shall I give up? whats the strategy? is it making friends, affiliates, bloggers...WHAT...and does anyone even read my blogs? HELLO...am I alone here? tell me what the heck I am doing wrong....I am open for advice...;(

The Cutting Edge

What gives a human soul the thought to self destruct? the desire to feel pain inflicted onto them. Most of time I feel numb, I just want to feel something, whether it be love, anger, destruction or pain. And then I choose to stay numb, by using anything to not feel anything. I wonder how about I began to become the way that I am. Was it my childhood lifestyle, my past relationships? maybe Karma if anyone believes in that.
I've become my own worse emeney, cutting, straving, and self pity, I grovel, and scream and cry. No I don't think the world owes me anything, I just feel the way I do because my emotions take over. It isn't me, its someone else, its a "I dont feel, or want to feel anything, so just leave me be". I want to leave this life of mine, but I wouldn't do it by drowning, I have a fear of drowning, or maybe I should and face my fear. I want to sleep and never wake up, cut myself and watch me bleed. I am not one to faint of the site of blood, I am a retired Nurse. I ask myself what there is left in this life of mine, and I have not come up with any answers, so I just cut, take pills, and cry...

Looking for sponsers for my blog

The best way of making money on a blog is through sponsership, your blog doesn't get a ton of traffic. Your blog doesn't display great contextual ads. Or maybe you don't want to use contextual ads because you feel it devalues the overall of your blog.

I seem to realize that sponsers help bring cash flow with not much effort.

Now what?
Lots of people make money with contextual advertising, particulary with Google AdSense. But there's way more people who don't earn much of anything from Google AdSense or other advertising options like "Text Link Ads" and "Performacing".

Mastering contextual advertising isn't rocket science, but it is difinitely takes some effort. And there's an insane amount of resources out there (some good, some bad) on how to maximize the success of Google AdSense and other programs.

Affiliate marketing works well for quite a few people, but there's also a curve. It takes time to figure out, and there are a ton of options with companies like "Commission Junction, PayDotCom and Click bank".

The best way of making money with a blog is through sponsership (Oh Yeah, I mentioned that already).

1.You can hand-pick sponsers and build real relationships. With afflilate marketing you do get to pick what ads you show, but it's not the same as targeting specific sponsers you absolutely want to work with and actually person-to-person relationships can be of great value in developing your blog, finding other partners and growing your network.

2. You can display sponsership on your blog in a number of ways. A sponsership can be almost anything - a link in your posts, co-branding on the site, an advertisement, special content, a contest, etc... There's a ton of different ways you can execute a sponsership, and that makes them very interesting. You can figure out what your audience really wants to see, and work with sponsers to develop content, advertising and ideas that make sense.

3. You can negotiate payment options. Sponsorships can be paid for in a bunch of different ways: page views, clickthroughs, monthly, etc. The control and flexibility stay in your hands. For example, if you’re running an online contest, you might get paid for the implementation and during the life of the contest. I prefer monthly payments since they’re the easiest for everyone to understand.

4. You don’t have a huge learning curve to deal with. There’s a minimal learning curve with sponsorships. Find a sponsor, decide on the type of sponsorship and negotiate the price. You won’t see a million websites selling you $19.99 info products on, “how to maximize sponsorship opportunities with your blog.” That’s because sponsorships are so flexible and open, and dependent on real relationships, you can’t develop a “best practices system for everyone.”
5. You don’t need an uber-popular blog to get sponsors. There’s a lot of opportunity out there for smaller blogs to find sponsors. You might not get VISA or some Fortune 100 company involved, but lots of smaller companies could benefit from blog sponsorships. I’ve got a sponsor who I’ve very much enjoyed working with, and although I’d love Instigator Blog to be in the Technorati 100, I don’t think that’s going to happen! Still, with the right audience and reasonable traffic numbers, you can find a great sponsor.

getting sponsers will take time. It's not very easy as throwing up some contextual ads or afflilate marketing links. But just because you can put ads on your site in 5 minutes doesn't mean they'll make you any money.




The Human element of sponsership is the key. But Build relationships with people (which you already do as an extension of blogging) and sponsership will return more than just monetary rewards over time.

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